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My father met someone when I was in first grade school, and mentored one of her children, who became an absentee father. For simplicity let me refer to him as step brother.
I was eight years old and my stepbrother helped me make some key decisions after graduation. One key piece of advice: My stepbrother advised me to go into technology. I took his advice and dedicated myself to building a high-yielding income. I built a multi-million dollar business on my own.
In short order, I took his advice and set up Step Brother – a dove into technology as well. When the company started scaling, my father became ill and needed 24/7 nanny care. I wanted my father to stay safe in his home, and he did what was necessary to make that happen even at great mental, physical, financial and emotional costs – the family caregivers out there get that point.
Fast forward seven years, and my stepbrother was going through a divorce, and I decided to keep my dad’s house expense-free in an act of kindness – despite owning a $6,000-a-month rental house with a six-figure annual income and good employment.
“ ‘My father passed away with Covid-19, and things went downhill fast.’ “
My father died of Covid-19, and things went downhill fast. For example, on one or two occasions, my father said things like, “I think your father wanted me to live here,” when he said nothing of the sort. My father also did not make any arrangements in his living trust.
One night we got into a big argument. His advice to me 22 years ago was that I was content with continually taking credit for my successes. I was satisfied with this belief that I had something for eternity. I was generally frustrated because I couldn’t get quiet time at my dad’s house while my stepbrother was trying to plant the seeds of his claim to the house.
Here’s the kicker: My stepbrother always referred to my father as his “real father,” but he had absolutely no involvement in the eight long years of care that my father needed before he passed. When I called him on that point, he was very upset: I guess most of it was an achievement that he couldn’t finally come in and acknowledge. But in the end, the relationship is now broken. Is my step brother entitled or entitled or ITA?
My father’s son
Dear MFS,
With so many acronyms being thrown around these days, I had to look up “AITA”. I see it’s related to a subreddit where people ask similar questions about their own moral responsibility. So to answer the question – “Am I shy?” – No, you are not a fraud. Neither, perhaps, is your stepbrother. He gave you advice when you needed it, because people do what they do, your father didn’t come when you needed help.
“‘The only thing you have to do in life is show up.’“
But he seems to like having his slippers tucked under your dad’s coffee table. Maybe he thought the house was his, and with the blurring and laziness of reality, he thought he could make it happen – just like you showed your company and success. Your father didn’t raise you. You didn’t put it on the document. Your relationship is primarily a friendship, not a relationship.
You have demonstrated your success and your close relationship with your father through hard work. Your step brother gave you advice, and wanted to see his younger step brother/friend succeed, but didn’t put the time and effort into his relationship with your father when he needed it most. If your father had felt a familial bond, he would have adopted him or at least willingly remembered him, but he didn’t. You were there for your father. He is not.
Your stepbrother is not poor. He has a healthy monthly income from his rental properties. Knowing that investing in real estate is a long-term game, he timed the market right. And it doesn’t surprise me that it’s a passive income. He seems to like getting something for nothing. After all, if you give your father’s house, it will be another source of income through a relatively comfortable inheritance.
He gave you great advice when you graduated college. You’ve put in the long hours and hard work it takes to turn your business into a multi-million dollar enterprise. He didn’t give you a blueprint. You did it all by yourself. Your stepbrother cannot claim any credit for this. Tech jobs remain some of the most in-demand — and some say “the best jobs in America” — but many are low-paying and require long, grueling hours in front of a computer. It could have gone either way.
The only thing you have to do in life is show up. You showed yourself and your father in the last years. More than one in five adults — some 53 million American adults — are unpaid family caregivers, according to a 2020 report by AARP and the National Alliance for Living Well. By showing off, they join these often unsung Americans. But your stepbrother appeared looking for a place to live. Your debt is paid.
Follow Quentin Fottrell Twitter.
You can email Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to the coronavirus at qfottrell@marketwatch.com.
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More from Quentin Fottrell:
She never has enough money’: I was adopted by a rich family, but my biological grandmother said I had to support her financially – and buy her a condo.
‘Our kids say our little house is embarrassing’: My husband and I make $160,000, have $1 million in retirement savings, cook at home and drive an old Honda. Are we missing out?
‘I grew up poor’: My husband and I have a $1.2 million real estate portfolio, and an income of $225,000. Do we have the financial capacity to start a family?
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