Before the yards, before the mustache, before the infamous low, I was in the Gardner Minshew race. When Nick Foles went down in the first two quarters of his short Jaguars mandate, I was looking. Not because I wanted to, but because I was around a die-hard Jacksonville fan — which, like talking to M&Ms and Santa, exists.
There was a competence to him that was more than a passing shade of yet to be grasped by NFL defenses. I’m not sure if I felt sorry for my poor Jags friend, or if I was just a dick and wanted to fantasize about the Minshew mania, but for whatever reason I started that greaseball in multiple fantasy leagues and have kind of resisted it wanting to roll my eyes and air the Shake Weight on his shenanigans.
The latest product of Minshew’s abundant free time is an offseason promotion for his mobile box-turned-prison bus. The Washington State alum has lived out of Brian Fantana’s last known location for 10 weeks, and studies show that 60 percent of the time, the fourth-year quarterback’s offseason routine works every time.
Kudos to you if you made it through the four minutes and 22 seconds of awesome self-promotion linked above. If I hadn’t been forced to watch it for work, I would have turned it off during the acoustic guitar part of the clip. No promises how long that ax stays intact after launching the same Mamas & The Papas song over and over, but hey, I’d rather listen to Peter, Paul and Mary on repeat than step on that petri dish . The guy is so crunchy it makes Nature Valley bars look chewy.
Also, who is the intended audience for this montage? The Instagram he already matched with on Tinder? You need a hazmat suit and some penicillin just to get 15 feet from that bus. Do you think the smell of weed is ingrained in the fabric, or is it more of a Nag Champa scent?
I wonder what Jalen Hurts thinks of his commercial. Every mistake the rookie QB makes in practice is being picked up by the Philly media, and meanwhile Gardner is ripping off self-shot bong commercials and trying to figure out how much weed he has to smoke to lose all memory. short term.
Part of me wants Minshew to be the starter just because Eagles fans are restless. If this common man was their quarterback, people would be showing up at Lincoln Financial ready to squeeze anyone with a handlebar mustache.
But good luck on the season, Gardner. However, you might want to double-check where you park that mobile biohazard. Philadelphians may not find your act as cool as you think it is.