DEAR MADAM MANYRA: I came of age in the early 1980’s and I have never heard of anyone in my generation, or the previous generation, asking a lady’s father for permission to propose. And yet these days, the question of whether to do so comes up with surprising regularity in advice columns and on the Internet.
Has the habit had a resurgence in recent years, or was I wrong to think it died out then?
GENTLE READER: This was never a very useful habit, as Miss Manners recalls. Any self-respecting Victorian girl would know how to make her father’s life a burden if he tried to turn away a favorite suitor.
But now that its uselessness is obvious, it has acquired a certain charm – like a surprise proposal to a couple who have long started a family and debated whether to legalize it. Or, for that matter, a father who “gives away” a bride that is obviously independent of his jurisdiction.
Miss Manners would consider these strange garments harmless, but only to the point where they are used as a serious request.
DEAR MADAM MANYRA: I have a problem that used to be unique, but more people these days are unfortunately dealing with it.
I am a retired teacher who spent my entire career at a school that is internationally known for a mass murder that occurred before I retired. It is a terribly painful part of my life.
At a wedding last night, I experienced something that has happened more times than I can count: the hostess introduced me to a guest by saying, “This is (my name). She used to teach at (school name).”
The young acquaintance said, “Where were you when the shooting happened?”
I said, “In the building, but that’s not a nice conversation about a wedding,” and tried to change the subject. He went on to ask how I felt about another shooting involving elementary school students.
Trust me: No one wants to know how I feel about this.
I said, “Oh, that’s not a good conversation for a marriage either.”
He was confused and said, “You knew I had to ask.”
This has happened at parties, in showers, in any kind of environment. It’s like all my friends and acquaintances think this is a great way to start conversations between me and their other friends. Its not.
Do I talk to everyone whose invitations I accept and ask them not to introduce me in this way? How do I get people to stop asking, and certainly not keep pushing? It has ruined entire occasions that should have been happy for me.
GENTLE READER: Your problem is really those tasteless hosts. When introducing guests, it’s helpful to provide a conversation starter—but only if the guest wants to have that conversation.
In addition to choosing more sensitive friends, you should stop such notifications by firmly saying, “This is not something I’m interested in discussing.” Or, in today’s parlance, Miss Manners might turn to “I don’t think you want to trigger that memory.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; at her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
